12 MONTHS – An experiment in endurance and luck

by angeliska on December 11, 2005

As 2005 draws to a close, I find myself very curious-
looking at the first line (or so) for each month
and seeing what they reveal of where I’ve been..
This horrible, miserable year has battered
and dragged my carcass over the rocks-
and then blessed and showered me
in unbelievable good fortune..
I feel that I have walked through enough fire,
I’ve come full circle in so many ways-
and am stronger now than ever before.
I’m not sure if the lessons learned
were worth all the death and sorrow,
or because of it.
It’s not my place to say, really.
But- here I am.

This is where
I started out from:

The turning of the year in this dirty old town
was rung in with much dancing and frivolity,
to be sure- amid a rain of gunshots and fireworks
popping and falling though a haze of dense fog..

FEBRUARY – Dies Cinerum – Day of Ashes
Forgive the long absence
and the coming deluge-
A dear friend of mine died
recently, and I am still
processing the weight
and wages of loss..

MARCH – Ca m’épate, mais c’est comme ça.
I’ve been dreaming nightly
of tigers and of mothwings.
I wake and remember fragments,
and then recall the words that roused them:
“I kneel in the nights
before tigers
that will not let me be
in this room
the hours of love
still make shadows
what you were
will not happen again
the tigers have found me
and I do not care.”

APRIL – Make it stop, please.
I woke up Thursday, to find P.’s
bunny rabbit, Toby, on the balcony.
He was very still, gone all gray and flat
where he used to be round and orange,
like a pumpkin.

MAY – Снаружи
And now..
I could be out here
flying a kite
over foggy fields
the pungent pines
the verdant vales
the vapid vines
and the thousand purple cups of wine..

JUNE – Sola Esperanza
Slowly, slowly returning from the depths
a dark morass clogged with twigs and tangling
weeds that wind around your ankles and threaten
to take you down, down..
A dim corner of the soul where this image is the only thing
that could begin to express where my heart has been..

JULY – wrathful winds withered by willful wenches
I see a white tornado in the distance,
a churning, whirling wraith intent on
savaging the idyllic scene I see before me:
deep slate blue sky and golden fields,
the pristine farmhouse stark and shivering..

Hello there. I am floating in the middle of the ocean.

SEPTEMBER – Calamity
Perhaps you’ve seen this already, or perhaps
everyone’s already sick of hearing about it,
looking at it, just the thought of the smell of it
creeping under conversations in crowded bars,
everybody’s opinions, a foul odor pours in from
the gulf, from the delta, that tattered fertile crescent..

Hey look! It’s another fucking eulogy!

NOVEMBER – Idylls of October
Welcome to the new day, my brave new world.
Here’s what it is, the parts that make up a scattered
whole, a new shoot, a tender tendril pushing up
into the cold air and light dappled and strange.

DECEMBER – I found a reason..
In explanation for my absence- I’m afraid I have fallen in love.

And this is where I begin.

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