Doll Hospital

by angeliska on November 13, 2009

Okay so, on this coming Monday, the 16th of November,
I will be going into the hospital to have surgery to remove
a large ovarian cyst. This has all happened quite quickly,
so I’m still processing a lot of information and emotion
and have been having a pretty hard time knowing how
to deal with it. I’m very blessed in that I have an incredible
golden web of support in my friends and family. I am also
enormously lucky because I was able to qualify for a program
that made it possible for me to have a medical procedure done
that would normally cost around $25,000. I, like many of my friends,
do not have health insurance. My doctor is donating his services
to perform the surgery, which is just beyond amazing.
Ivory Anatomical Figure from the Semmelweiss Museum
(Photo by Curious Expeditions)

The doctor’s fairly sure that I have endometriosis,
and that the cyst is an endometrioma. Meaning that it’s
non-cancerous, but they still want to remove it.
Given, however, the fact that my mother died of uterine cancer-
they are taking no chances, and want to be 100% sure.
At this point, it’s unclear whether I will be having a laparoscopy
(smaller incision, less recovery time) or open surgery.
I won’t know until I wake up and it’s all done.
If it’s an open surgery (which they are preparing for),
I will be recuperating at home for about 10 days,
and then taking things pretty slow for up to six weeks.
Let’s cross our fingers that they won’t have to do it that way.
By the exquisite Sorrel Smith
The hardest part for me is reconciling
all my tangled emotions and fears of illness,
hospitals and surgery which all relates back
to what I experienced as a child, when I lost
my mother in that sterile and terrifying labyrinth.
I am very afraid, and very anxious about this –
especially since I only have a short time to prepare for it.
Healing (Photograph by Wespionage)
Seeing this image brought back an intense memory
that’s been floating around in my head during all this:
I am little, in a medicine blue changing room with my mother.
Off goes her paper robe, and she’s there in all her whiteness,
her body is like mine will be one day, but far lovelier –
she’s a pale Waterhouse naiad, dusted with freckles.
I am fascinated by the purple ink lines and diagrams
dotting her belly. I ask her, “Mommy, why did you draw
all over yourself?” and she explains to me that the
doctors drew those lines there so that they would know
where to cut. I remember being horrified. I still am.
Years of bottled up tears are suddenly sliding down
my cheeks, and every day that I’m walking through
this, I come closer to an understanding I’ve been
avoiding almost all my life. Circles and cycles
and bloody threads tying me to my past and future.
I have a deep desire to complete the circle one
day, and someday bear a child of my own.
It breaks my heart to be told that my chances
at making that a reality are reduced.
It’s really hard not to be scared right now –
the kind of fear that seizes up tight
in your throat and makes your eyes burn.
In the last few days, the loving letters and
calls from friends have been the bright
candles that have been helping me dispel
that awful feeling. I know that all this is allowing
me the opportunity to work through some old
ghosts, and I feel like a lot of the outcome hinges
on how I choose to walk through it. I’m trying
to do it with a lot of hope and an open heart.
I would really appreciate any good energy
you could send my way, especially on the
16th of November, and would love to hear
from you in the days following, because
I’m going to cooped up healing for a little while.
I hoping to feel well enough to do a lot of writing,
because it’s really helping me right now, but
please understand if it’s quiet around here.
I felt a little conflicted about being so open here,
but if we can’t talk and write about these things
then what’s the point? I consider the human body
to be an incredible machine, in all its glory and its
failings. I’m not shy about discussing its interworkings,
only fascinated – and I don’t believe in the concept of
“too much information”. No such thing in my book.
The Uterus Vase by The Plug & Stéphanie Rollin
It is bizarre to me that I’ve seen this vase
described as “erotic” or “hideous” or “distasteful”.
It’s a beautiful form, a miraculous design – I would be
thrilled to have this on my table filled with bluebells.
Every single one of us came out of a woman’s uterus.
That’s incredible, isn’t it? Picture anyone at all,
and imagine them being born. Strange to contemplate.
Speaking of, I kind of want one of these to cuddle.
Aren’t they cute? Unfortunately, they were subject
to a recall
– it seems people were worried that infants
would choke on the ovaries? Or something. Jeez.
Alright, my dearies – wish me luck,
and let’s hope that all my nurses look just like that.
(Photo by Babet)
I wish I was going to the doll hospital instead.


!! will be thinking of you Monday. what address do care packages go to, please?

by alita on November 13, 2009 at 2:35 am. Reply #

Best wishes for you, doll. Positive vibrations – I know you’ll be fine, I feel it.

by Lorra on November 13, 2009 at 3:36 am. Reply #

I’ll be thinking of you. I’ve had quite a few procedures in hospital, but I always, always get morbid and nervous beforehand. Then I wake up and feel slightly silly. x

by Verity on November 13, 2009 at 4:05 am. Reply #

my thoughts are with you dear lady

by circusavatar on November 13, 2009 at 4:41 am. Reply #

My Dear,
A lil’ colt pony and fawn-cub are constructing a care package and although it arrive won’t by Monday, it will be with you soon. Don’t be surprised to hear a telephone ringing through the ether this week’s end and all the subsequent days after, as this speckled fawn-cub worries from afar. So sorry I won’t be able to be your wolf nurse, if only I’d had more notice…..hhhemmm.
Bisous upon bisous

by Whiskey Deer Wolf on November 13, 2009 at 5:25 am. Reply #

Ach ach liebling! A million positivity-tipped, love and light-filled thoughts are zooming their way toward you as we speak.
In the meantime, here is a cheeky, healthy looking bag to carry your stuff in for your visit and triumphant return home!

by Ghoul Next Door on November 13, 2009 at 5:27 am. Reply #

oh, hugs hugs hugs to you. I will keep you in my thoughts.

by Nica on November 13, 2009 at 6:24 am. Reply #

I’m sure all will go fine. Surgery is strange and marvelous. It’s bizarre to think of bodies as objects in need of repair, but so amazing what can be repaired.
There is a book you might like at some point, called E-Mail Trouble. It’s an experimental piece by a woman named S. Paige Baty. She was an academic who, as she put it, got tangled up in the web when the internet was just becoming a social space. She draws a lot of interesting analogies between how she thinks of the web, and how she thinks of her body — she had severe endometriosis, and the book’s title is a reference to the old line about Female Trouble.

by Carly on November 13, 2009 at 6:46 am. Reply #

All the best energy I can create will be heading your way. I suffer from PCOS so I have lots of little tiny ovarian cysts that we are trying to make go away with pills….much easier than surgery. I still have the same thing being told to me though, that my chances to get pregnant are reduced and that with endometriosis running heavily through my family that I could have that as well but the PCOS could be covering up the other problem…only time will tell.
Best wishes that you get the easiest surgery and heal quick as a wink! xoxo Shana

by flutterby3 on November 13, 2009 at 6:49 am. Reply #

Wishing you strength and love and healing. Hugs

by Lucy on November 13, 2009 at 6:59 am. Reply #

marking the 16th on my calendar! i will light every candle i own to send my wishes on and up and up and out to you. this is heart aching and scary business, but the positivity and protections will be circling, and i feel in my waters whatever is to come from this will only make you stronger!

by annie on November 13, 2009 at 7:00 am. Reply #

A friend of mine had to have this procedure done. Coincidentally I saw her just last week, doing very well and back to her old self.
I will be sending lots&lots of good mojo towards you.

by Noire et Blanche on November 13, 2009 at 7:01 am. Reply #

I hurt when you hurt and I cry when you cry…your Poppa and I will be with you all day Monday to give you love, light, and all our energy…love you ever and ever and ever…

by karimomma on November 13, 2009 at 7:34 am. Reply #

I have had both laparoscopic and open abdominal surgery, and I continue to have endometriosis. If there are any questions you have for me, or if you just want to speak so someone who has been through it, please feel free to email.
Regardless, you’ll be in my thoughts on Monday. I wish you health.

by Virginia on November 13, 2009 at 8:47 am. Reply #

sending love & light! xo Lavona

by Lady Lavona on November 13, 2009 at 9:27 am. Reply #

I think you are very brave & strong.
I will be holding you in my thoughts on the 16th & sending you lots & lots of light & blessings & saying prayers for everything to go well.

by OdetteO on November 13, 2009 at 9:55 am. Reply #

Oh poor love! Try not to worry and be strong, and I’m sure the doctor will sort you out. Will be thinking of you on Monday, and sending you lots of good wishes and good positive thoughts that you’ll receive everything you want in the future.

by Emma on November 13, 2009 at 10:23 am. Reply #

This was touching and real. Be brave. You are loved.

by Selene on November 13, 2009 at 10:41 am. Reply #

I’ve had many surgeries but it’s always scary. I will be sending you lots of healing and positive energy on the 16th. Ever since I had my daughter I started developing multiple cysts, I’m scared I might have to have surgery one day because of them.

by Treaya on November 13, 2009 at 10:47 am. Reply #

Angel, I’ll be thinking of you! It’s good that you can speak openly about how you feel about this. Can you imagine if it was all bottled up? Hospitals and human body problems are something that we’re all at least a little scared of, but it’s scarier if we don’t talk about it! This post was beautiful and sad and real. I have a couple internet friends going through things like this right now and I’m sending out lots of positive vibes for all of you!

by anja louise on November 13, 2009 at 11:05 am. Reply #

I will be sending healing thoughts your way…both of the physical and emotional variety. I was struck by your comment that you know that you can choose how to walk through this…I don’t think enough people are self-aware enough to think like that. And yes, please to send your address for soft and sweet recovery package.

by Melissa on November 13, 2009 at 11:21 am. Reply #

So sorry to hear this. It’s funny how life gives us the opportunity to connect with certain themes over and over. This experience will be powerful, and I’ll keep you in my thoughts. I’ve had a few surgeries, planned and unplanned, and I know how scary and helpless it can feel. It sounds like you have have lots of good people around to take care of you, but please let me know if there’s anything one more can do.

by Grace on November 13, 2009 at 11:42 am. Reply #

my mother had this procedure done and she was alright, i am very glad that you are deciding to do this, you never know- it might be a life saver in the long run! After my mothers surgery i realized that perhaps not all medicine is right, sometimes a surgery is necessary. i will be sending you the brightest lights and rainbows and unicorn sparkles, i know you are a strong and magical woman and i have no doubt you shall pull through and recover quickly. all my blessings!

by katja on November 13, 2009 at 12:04 pm. Reply #

Oh Sweet Angel, I will be lighting St. Jude Candles and sending you prayers for lightening fast healing!! The dolls and I will be calling to check in!! Sending you mountains of well wishes and sugar soaked candy sparkle hugs. All my love and prayers Fairy Princess Angel! xo <3

by Miss Kane on November 13, 2009 at 12:13 pm. Reply #

we’ll be thinking nothing but good thoughts for you over here, and if you need anyyyything, please let me know and i will bring care packeeges.
you’ll get through this and maybe gain some closure through it and definitely be stronger on the other side, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck to have to go through it anyways. 🙁
so much love for you. please let me know if there’s anything i can do.

by lau on November 13, 2009 at 12:25 pm. Reply #

My Dear! Thank you for sharing this. Your openness is inspiring.
I’m sending you all good thoughts and will light a candle on Yemaya’s altar for you. With well wishes and prayers and xoxoxo

by Kelley M on November 13, 2009 at 1:53 pm. Reply #

I love you. We all do. Hang in there.

by Mer on November 13, 2009 at 2:36 pm. Reply #

You are a sweetheart. Sharing something like this would be hard for me… but I think it’s such a good thing to share.
All of these extremely wonderful thoughts will collect for you and there is so much strength in that.
I will be thinking of you & sending love and so much positivity.
I’ll be sending you a little package too. xo

by amy on November 13, 2009 at 2:46 pm. Reply #

sending you so much love & light, pretty doll-sparkle.

by selene gibbous on November 13, 2009 at 3:24 pm. Reply #

I can understand why you are freaking out but honey you need to try and relax. You are not your mother, this is not her experience or her journey, it is yours. While your fears, associations are perfectly natural – this is a common procedure that takes place every single day. And you will be perfectly fine. Put the fear out of your mind and don’t believe those dark thoughts. I know you will be fine, you are a strong girl. xx

by misha on November 13, 2009 at 5:45 pm. Reply #

i dont know you any more than anyone would who only knows of you through your blog (which i found, i believe, through my dear dear friend whom you quite accurately describe as the exquisite sorrel smith) – but ive had 3 friends have this exact same issue and ensuing surgery this past year, and if it helps any, they have all come through with flying colors. 2 of them were fortunate enough to cobble together enough programs and benefits and the like to cover it, as you have, for their uninsured selves. the strength you are showing in sharing this with all of us, your friends and unknown readers, must surely mirror the strength youll bring to your surgery and recovery! for what its worth, i will be thinking all of my best thoughts for you this coming monday!

by joel on November 13, 2009 at 6:28 pm. Reply #

i’m sending you liebe + licht. i’m impressed by your courage!

by faunfare on November 13, 2009 at 7:08 pm. Reply #

Sending you thoughts, prayer, and hopes for a speedy recovery both physically and emotionally. I’ll light a candle for you on Sunday night.

by 'tine on November 13, 2009 at 8:18 pm. Reply #

angel – my thoughts are with you for the most speedy recovery ever. i have had 2 friends with this same problem, and had to have surgery, and now they are both happy mothers. just a small antidote.

by jenene on November 13, 2009 at 8:57 pm. Reply #

Way back when (early 80s), my parents were trying very hard to conceive their first child together, but were having absolutely no luck. Several visits to the doctor revealed ovarian cysts, and my mother was told by every doctor she saw that she would never have children. She gave birth to me in ’84.
All personal anecdotes aside, good thoughts, good vibes, and best wishes for a successful surgery and a quick recovery. Take care.

by Meds on November 13, 2009 at 9:37 pm. Reply #

You are brave to speak honestly about fear.
I do believe in the power of positive thoughts, and will be thinking of you positively on November 16th.

by Sue on November 13, 2009 at 11:04 pm. Reply #

I’m sending you my love and hugs, my prayers are with you.

by Angie on November 13, 2009 at 11:11 pm. Reply #

Please let me know, dear, what I can bring to you and where I should bring it. I’m very much here for you.

by Amelia Valentine on November 14, 2009 at 1:11 am. Reply #

I share the same feeling with no shame on speaking of bodily anomolies ; taking the risk of embarrasment for the potenital to receive info. from others that might have insight is worth the risk !
I too will be thinking of you monday . I love you angel !

by dougling on November 14, 2009 at 7:16 am. Reply #

i wish all the best for you and will light a candle for you on monday!

by mai on November 14, 2009 at 8:37 am. Reply #

Sending wishes of a successful surgery and a speedy recovery your way, dear Miss Angel. You’re brave and you’ll get through this. I will be thinking of you.

by April Violet on November 14, 2009 at 3:35 pm. Reply #

I’ll be mentally mailing multi-colored sprinkles, mermaid scales, and many wishes for a miraculously rapid recovery into your hospital room this coming Monday! You are a brave person with a beautiful soul, and I could not wish it more for anyone than for you.

by Alissa on November 14, 2009 at 8:06 pm. Reply #

beautiful one all your sisters are handlinked and holding you forever! and little ones are waiting in the wings because you will be the best mama ever, lots and lots of women get pregnant after this. love love love.

by verhext on November 14, 2009 at 11:23 pm. Reply #

You’ve chosen beautiful pictures.
You will get through this.
Healing and love to you.

by Bean on November 15, 2009 at 2:49 am. Reply #

What a beautifully heartbreaking post. Thank you for sharing that. I hope your procedure & consequent recovery is quick and with little pain. xx

by Alicia - Sea Of Ghosts on November 15, 2009 at 3:29 am. Reply #

Will be keeping you in my thoughts today and tomorrow.

by Gabriel on November 15, 2009 at 2:23 pm. Reply #

Oh, love, it is indeed very frightening but you are in the best of hands it sounds, and are surrounded by an extremely large cheering section, which you absolutely deserve (being such an incredible and uniquely wonderful you.)
Your candidness is greatly appreciated, and respected. In this world of false fronts (and frequently backs too!) I feel that honesty is a most outstanding quality, and it is far too rarely that people express it.
The only other thing I have to share is this, a quote that I refer to in my head when I too feel frightened by something in life. This is from “The Duke” himself:
“True courage is being scared shitless, but saddlin’ up anyway.”
-John Wayne
You’ll be in all of our thoughts and wishes on Monday, and *every* day. If you had any idea about how many lives you’ve touched, it would completely astound you…

by R. Sun on November 15, 2009 at 5:08 pm. Reply #

You’re awfully brave and inspiring and I think everything will be just fine. How amazingly lucky to qualify and find a generous doctor! I think there’s no better time in history to be a lady at the doctor’s office..though there’s still a ways to go, it’s amazing how much we can understand and learn. All the best! You’re magic!

by Annie Dangerpaws on November 15, 2009 at 6:11 pm. Reply #

Love before me
Love behind me
Love at my left
Love at my right
Love above me
Love below me
Love unto me
Love in my surroundings
Love to all
Love to the universe
Peace before me
Peace behind me
Peace at my left
Peace at my right
Peace above me
Peace below me
Peace unto me
Peace in my surroundings
Peace to all
Peace to the universe
Light before me
Light behind me
Light at my left
Light at my right
Light above me
Light below me
Light unto me
Light in my surroundings
Light to all
Light to the universe
I just happened to read this at 2am, and I’m still reeling. Even though I’ve been out of touch, you are in my heart Angel. I truly believe that all will go well, and be well, and someday you will be a wonderful Momma to a very lucky baby.
I miss you and love you.
your sisterflower,

by M on November 16, 2009 at 2:01 am. Reply #

I will light a candle for you today. Blessings , healing care and luck are all with you. And a psychic hug – and steady hands – for your doctor.

by Nessje on November 16, 2009 at 8:23 am. Reply #

Angel, I’m just learning about your surgery this morning! My thoughts and healing prayers are with you. I’ve had those cysts too. You’ll feel better soon. Stay positive!

by Christy Palumbo Fost on November 16, 2009 at 9:03 am. Reply #

I emailed you Immune Broth recipe for healing~

by Rose on November 17, 2009 at 4:10 am. Reply #

Much love and strength to you in your healing

by Jen on November 17, 2009 at 7:49 am. Reply #

Sending prayers and positive thoughts for you, dear lady. I am burning candles for your recovery.

by Lin on November 17, 2009 at 7:50 am. Reply #

It is now November 17th, and I know all your readers are still thinking of you, and sending positive thoughts.

by Sue on November 17, 2009 at 11:18 am. Reply #

i applied for a job at a place called the Doll Hospital in st. louis last fall. the owner looked like an older doll and told me a position might be opening because one of her apprentices had cancer………….

by sylvio on November 18, 2009 at 8:39 am. Reply #

i am asking yemoja to watch over your recovery

by sylvio on November 18, 2009 at 8:43 am. Reply #

I just had a full hysterectomy for endometriosis–after two surgeries to get adhesions and cysts removed. I’m pulling for you! This is a rough thing to go through, especially without insurance (as I well know). Things will be fine, and you are in my thoughts. I received this as a gift in the hosptial: Best. Uterus. Ever.
I hope you are on the mend! Keep us updated.

by Adrienne on November 19, 2009 at 1:11 pm. Reply #

i will be thinking of you and sending healing thoughts. i had major emergency abdominal surgery this summer. it felt like i was climbing a very dark mountain but i got the top & it’s beautiful up here.

by little black forest on November 21, 2009 at 6:49 am. Reply #

I just read this, Angel.
I hope you’re doing alright. I still think about you often and you are so wonderful. I wish you the best of health, love and happiness.

by julie on December 12, 2009 at 5:36 am. Reply #

Dearest Julie,
Hello my darling! I think of you often as well and like to imagine your adventures in Japan. Thank you for the sweet wishes – I love you!

by Angeliska on December 12, 2009 at 9:50 pm. Reply #

[…] Uncommon Objects when she was in town. One time, she did me a real good turn – I had just had major abdominal surgery, and though I was back at work, I couldn’t really stand up for long periods of time at that […]

by Wisewoman Honey « Angeliska Gazette on September 25, 2014 at 1:40 am. Reply #

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