1. Smoked opium in grass huts with Burmese hill-tribes in the Golden Triangle. I was too nauseous and nervous about the possibility of barfing in their grass hut to enjoy it much, though.But at least I didn’t hurl on the elephant we employed as transportation later, as my traveling companion did. Major hill-tribe faux-pas, non?
2. Was run down by a taxi-cab in Amsterdam, in the pouring rain. And then was yelled at by the driver for messing up his cab, even though he had run me down. The people in the taxi were so disgusted that they got out in the rain miles from their destination and walked to the squat with us. I was fine, mostly- although my bicycle was very muchly not.
3. Was licked enthusiastically by a herd of kinkajous. And also an okapi, on the same day. Both are renowned for their extremely long and prehensile tongues. And I had accidentally spilled Fruitopia on myself, so.
4. Climbed a Mayan pyramid in eel-skin cowboy boots. Didn’t fall off the edge, somehow.
5. Had intent conversations about carrots with John Waters and Blixa Bargeld, on different occasions.
6. Was asked (not very politely) to leave a Dairy Queen in Midland, Texas for not donning proper DQ attire (I was wearing a very opaque and modest slip). I then did an impromptu nudie dance, swinging said slip over my head, on top of the car for the shocked families eating their chicken tenders. I was pissed– and I didn’t get my peach cobbler blizzard, dammit.
7. Was stranded overnight in Taipei by accident when I was seventeen, and not a soul in the world knew where I was. And the soldiers in the airport were all too young for their machine guns.
8. Licked a plaster effigy of the infant Jesus proffered by the Portuguese priest during midnight mass on Christmas Eve in Macau. He didn’t seem to notice. The priest, not the plaster Jesus.
9. Walked around Lamma Island (Hong Kong) with two Thai swords strapped at my hips, underneath my coat night after night. Mostly I just walked across the island, to the lighthouse and back. It wasn’t really very dangerous there, I don’t think- it just felt good and right.
10. I’ve owned seven automobiles (Car-melita, Snail-a-rella, Bug-let-tina, Es-car-go! and three vans) and never drove a single one of them. I still don’t know how to drive.
11. I moved out of the house when I was 16, and rode my bicycle eleven miles to school every morning. And eleven miles back. And then to work. And then to sleep- repeat ad nauseam.. I also didn’t learn to ride a bike until around that time.
12. Performed marriage rites, as an ordained minister. Once for two transvestite rubber chickens on top of a picnic table in my underwear. And once for a dead squirrel in a jar and a horrible doll. In a sheep’s mask and priest’s robes. And my underwear. The bride and groom caught on fire at one point, because formaldehyde is flammable. Neither of these unions were my idea- I was asked to solemnize them, and did so- to the best of my ability. They were blackmetal weddings. You know.
13. Traveled extensively (by train mostly, all over Europe) with my 90 year old grandfather. And when we visited the Vatican, I accidentally said a really bad thing about Jesus, and the nuns made moves like they were going to end my life.
THE END.